I have always wondered about the people who blogged. What were their motivations? What made them think that anyone would be interested in what they had to say?
Well, I have been wanting to write a book for years. I have also wanted to journal, but have never thought about blogging. That was too weird. One of my friends told me recently that she would never write anything on the internet because then everyone would know her personal stuff and she is a very private person with what I think are irrational fears of what others, any others, might do to her. I kept thinking “You really aren’t that important.” But, I guess some sociopath could read her stuff and decide that she didn’t deserve to live, but it seems unlikely to my way of thinking. It’s probably all about being judged.
People tell me that my mind runs in weird circles. I never thought that there was anything different about the way I think, until many someone elses so kindly brought my attention to the fact that I don’t think like most people. Well, nowadays, I don’t think that really is such a bad thing.
Now, I understand that this is going to be all about ME and how I see the world. That said, I figure there might be a few people out there who may agree with me or at least want to know about my very different thinking. Could be. Then, there are the people who won’t agree or understand what or why I’m writing. But I am writing this for myself. I am sharing this with you. Maybe you will get as much out of this blog as I plan to get.
Anyway, I thought about what I would like to say to the world. Something not boring, but that is relative, isn’t it. A friend of mine said that he figured that blogging happens without a lot of thought. That leaves me out, ‘cause I think all the time. Not always on a conscious level. But every now and then I will catch myself thinking and I won’t even know that it’s happening.
I believe that people with deep kept secrets probably shouldn’t blog, else they would probably be in deep trouble down the line, with their bosses, friends, relatives, or anyone who doesn’t need to know what the blogger thinks about them. But I’ve been at The Human Potential Center for 19 years and I have said just about everything there is to be said about my life. So, I usually tell people that I don’t have any secrets. That’s a lie. I do have some, but if I haven’t shared them in groups in 19 years at the Center, I’m not about to start unburdening myself online now. And I am known for saying just about anything that comes into my head. I keep telling people that I do have a very thin veneer of civilized behavior modules tucked away somewhere deep in the early training part of my brain. And I can keep a secret with the best of ‘em. I usually just don’t want to.
One of my biggest secrets at the moment is that I am addicted to a computer game called Plants and Zombies. It is a deadly way to get absolutely nothing done. A friend of mine turned me on to it. It almost rivals drugs in its ability to grab my attention away from anything of real importance in my life. I can ignore the fact that I am exhausted, don’t want to deal with some emotional aspect, or am avoiding thinking about something that might be happening around me in the moment. Whenever anyone comes near me when I am playing, I switch to a very important document, to hold onto what little shred of false dignity I have left.
I think I like it so much because I can use my representatives, the plants, to eradicate all of the nasty zombies in my life, without ever really doing harm to people whom I consider irredeemable. People, who have either innocently or crazily, crossed my line of what I believe is correct behavior in humans. And you know who you are. By correct behavior I mean, not being pushy to the point of disrespect. I’ve met a lot of people who are stuck in the terrible twos, adolescent or teenage stage, where they believe that their thoughts are correct and pay no attention to what anyone else thinks or feels. Sometimes they even have hidden agendas and go behind someone’s back to get what they want. I think I am too old to deal with these people any more. They need to take their drama elsewhere.
And Zombies are soulless creatures that I won’t be hurting if I blow them up. Not to mention the virtual computer aspect of the whole thing, which I still do realize is not reality.
But I am supposed to be blogging about The Human Potential Center, and there aren’t any Zombies here. The Center means a lot to me. You may be able to tell, since I’ve been involved for so many years.
In all of those years, I have learned about how to be more assertive, about my own growth and where I am in my continual process, how to deal with most people (depending on whether they are sane or not 🙂 ), and how to deal with confrontations. That last one is also depending on the sanity of the other person. I use the word sane to describe the many people who have issues that are controlling their thinking and actions without their knowing what’s going on.
But normal confrontations can be difficult too. I was never trained to deal with people in an empowered, fearless manner. Through our many discussion groups at the Center I realized I was trained, by my mother’s anger at an early age, to pull back into myself and let the other person have their psychological way with me without any resistance on my part. Knowing that I just acquiesced to stronger personalities did not make me happy. I did not like the fact that I was so easy to manipulate. I felt too old to be submitting to another’s will. But age is relative too.
So that is where my ‘tough enough’ attitude comes from. To combat my wimpiness, I have to put a grumpy face to the world. Most of the world doesn’t want to deal with a grumpy face. Just another dysfunctional tool in my ‘I’m growing as fast as I can’ toolkit.
This is one of many things I’ve learned about myself at the Center, and so my saga continues. If you would like to hear about the others, stay tuned!